


i am the sea

by cheinsaw



Series: dreamscapes [3]
Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Drowning, Gen, Gender, Ghosts, Healing, Murder, Suicidal Thoughts, byakuren for best mom 2017 and forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-20 23:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10673175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheinsaw/pseuds/cheinsaw
Summary: murasa, as a human and ghost.





	i am the sea

**Author's Note:**

> i literally found a piece of this in my timehop a couple hours ago and freaked out because i didn't recognize it. turns out i never actually published it! so here it is.

you have never feared the ocean. you, small as you are, stand at your ship's bow with nothing but enjoyment and exhilaration. the sea is your home. you, tiny sailor, child of the ship's captain. you'll be captain someday yourself. growing up on a ship makes you well-equipped for the job, and you've never liked the land much anyway.

you've never feared storm clouds, rain pouring over your head and sea salt sprinkling your face. you feel at peace in the rocking waves, the deck shifting beneath your feet and the roar of the waves all around you.

you have never feared the ocean. until the ocean takes you.

it's a slow struggle, but the sea is much stronger than you. that is the first thing you ever learned. the ocean is powerful, fickle. sometimes it is gentle, and sometimes it is wrathful. if you don't respect the ocean, the ocean will not respect you. and yet, things like this can happen in the blink of an eye. the crew is gone, the ship torn apart under the waves. you cry out for help - the captain, the navigator, anyone - but your mouth is full of water and you scream until your voice won't come out anymore.

it hurts like a thousand dull knives driving slow through your chest.

 

your soul floats uneasily, lost at sea. it's an eternity before you can feel again, heavy water slipping through your fingers and weighting you down. it's another eternity before you see the sky again. when you breathe in the open air you choke and sputter, coughing up water before you adjust. the ocean stretches as far as you can see in every direction, nothing but pale sky and dark water.

you're too far out to ever reach the sanzu, even if you swim all day and night. you dive back down into the ocean's deep blue-green, and you can feel it all. you are the sea.

 

a ship crosses your path in the early morning. you capsize it. you don't know why - you're hungry, and sinking the ship seems to sate it. _may i have a ladle,_ you say, and they give it to you. it fills with water, bottomless, pouring out onto the deck. before you know what's happening the entire crew is dead. and you are satisfied.

why?

you do it again. and again. and again. one ship has a boy on board, wearing a white and green sailor uniform. it's a bit big on you, but it'll do. soon you start carrying your own ladle, tucked into your waistband. then a red ribbon, tied at the collar of your shirt. then, an anchor, light as a feather in your hands despite its size.

you drown thousands. it becomes a sport rather than a necessity. you'll never cross the sanzu, never pass on, and neither will your victims. their souls are your only sustenance. you begin to pick and choose, sparing any women and girls you happen to come across, giving the most pain to those who deserve it. you'll talk to them sometimes. _did you have a good life?_ you ask, even though it doesn't matter and you don't care. you sit cross-legged on the bow of their ships like you did when you were young, and you watch them die with a smile on your face.

there is a girl on the next ship. she knows about you - that's no surprise, some of the humans do. murasa, they call you. sea ghost, soul eater, ship destroyer, capsizer, known far and wide. no one can tell if you're a boy or a girl, with your sailor uniform and short hair and hardened soft eyes and small rough hands. _it doesn't matter,_ you say when they ask, and then they all die.

the girl is bright. she isn't a normal human. she has the light of gods in her. hijiri, her name is, a buddhist monk, a believer in the sanctity of life. the opposite of you. _hello, murasa,_ she says pleasantly. _would you like to talk?_

there's no point in talking. you'll kill her too - her being a woman doesn't matter at this point. she's challenged you, and you will win, and no one will ever try to subdue you again.

her boat sinks easily. too easily. you have to wonder if that's all she has. surely someone who willingly came to meet you would at least put up a fight. but hijiri went down gracefully, and as easily as the smallest stone.

and then. and _then._ she rises.

the ship is whole, unbroken, a perfect replica of the one you drowned on. hijiri glows, standing on the deck, holding out her hand to you. and when her skin touches yours she's so good, she's too good and it's too much - 

you scream.

 

seawater, everywhere. _it's alright,_ she says.

_NO_

_it's alright._

_NO I WANT TO DIE_

_you don't have to worry any more._

_I WANT TO DIE_

_I WANT TO DIE_

_I WANT TO DIE_

she cradles your head against her chest. you thrash your limbs and scream and beat her with your ladle, seawater pouring around you both, and your clothes are soaked and you're screaming, screaming, screaming.

_shhh, shhhh. it's okay. you don't have to live this way. it's okay._

she carries you in her arms back to her temple, despite your protests. she wraps you in a blanket, and you shiver, shiver, break out in a cold sweat.

 

it feels as if you're dying all over again.

 

but hijiri stays, saintly and perfect, sitting by your side all through the days and nights and when you've lost track of time. she tells you it's alright, you're here, you're with her.

 

there's so much love in her heart.

 

you think you could love her too.


End file.
